And I found LOVE


She said with a slight smile and shyness, looking partly at me and partly on to the floor.

“I love you”

I looked at her face, she was about to run from me, out of shyness I believe. I stopped her, looked at her cute little face; I could see her eyes twinkling, hands shivering, her eyes looking at me eagerly. I told her in slow but firm words.

“ But I don’t”

I never thought what went through her or what will happen to her, emotional stroke? or hemorrhage? I never cared. Was I selfish? May be or may be not. You decide, I’ll tell my story.

This happened when I was studying in the school, 6th standard. Now you tell me, is this an age for such an affair, I believe not. But this incident and many others of such incidents (roughly around some fifty in number, till date) happened and this triggered me to think about love. In all these incidents I was the selfish heartless villain and I saw a lot of crying girls. The fact was that I never knew what love was, I always wanted to know what held these people in love so close to each other, I tried hard. I never had such a feeling to anyone, this I believe was because I started getting love proposals at a very early age for any child. I couldn’t love someone I never knew, who all of sudden out of the blues emerged and said I love you and expected me to love back, how ridiculous. This created somewhat a confusion or irritated feeling even to the word ‘love’, but as I grew up and the proposals too, I tried to learn why and what love is actually. I found out in the first phase of my search that

Love is materialistic, its just skin deep.

And I believed in it firmly and my wrath grew stronger to the selfish wicked feeling called love. Out of this wrath I wrote a story, actually they are two stories which are interconnected.

(I wrote this when I was in my ninth standard, I have not revised it even to a bit and may be immature in its context and wordings, kindly bear it).
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Life lost in Ashrams

Train is now entering a tunnel. My eyes slipped into the darkness, to the dark episodes of my life, they crept into my mind.
Those which I loved to hate but hated to forget.

Brahmacharya

I was not alone that day on the train to Bombay - college days; they were always colourful and pleasant with lot of friends and girls. I never knew why or when she started noticing me, may be my eyes. Love blindness along with the wicked youth gave the strength that took us to the registrar's and from there to the railway station. Money from uncles almirah and aunt's jewels that I thought was required (all) was with me. As stations passed by I had just one question in my mind "What Next?”

Grihastha Ashram

Bombay was a big city, which opened its doors for us too. We took rooms and changed places from costlier to cheaper, days slipped out, money too. I wandered around for job, but in vein. It was then I realized that 12 years of schooling taught me nothing to live with. The guy next door, one Bihari offered me a job - a driver under one Seth Ramnath. First time I drove the car I remembered my Uncle and his car I hated that old model car but it's helping me now. Seth Ramnaths wife too liked my eyes and yeah I was once again wandering in the streets of Bombay for job. The city of dreams had once again opened its doors wide open for me, but the doors of 'New Bombay Lodge' had its doors shut hard before us.

Once again the Bihari helped us and our life dumped into the corner of his single room. Most of the time I was out searching for jobs, which were never found. Even coolies did not accepted me they called me 'Madrasi'. I had nothing else to do, so I did something I knew very well and it made her happy may be of my prayers it did not work out. I never knew what went through her.

Vanaprastha

One day I found another man in the house, Bihari introduced him as his friend; who was also a Malayali - driver of the M.P of the ruling party, his eyes were piercing and they were all on her and I never liked that. The sayings never trust a Malayali in a foreign land came true; as I returned home one day I found nothing except a letter in the room.

An affair that started through letters ended in a letter.

Sanyasa

I never felt any pain it was just a twinge of conscience. As they say 'Protection' and 'security' is the most valuable for a woman, she knew she could expect nothing more from me. Life turned out dark to me, fully dark and I deserted in the middle, I traveled long through the darkness, through the tunnel of darkness to find out some answers, to find what life actually meant.

"Swamiji, we're almost there"

The train once again whistled long.

Bombay the dream city awaited to be blessed by the magnificent spiritualistic speech of most honored holy man Jayendra Saraswathi.


? - JAX -


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Real L♥ve is Materialistic


"What are you doing there Rao? Is my security ready?"
Ma'am everything will be ready in 5 minutes.
"Hurry up I should be the first one to reach there."


‘Security’, that word means a lot to me. It changed my whole life. It is the thing for which I craved a lot, the thing that many promised to give me, from that cute boy in college to these black cats, but still I never could feel it, the security, the protection.
Yes, I did love him, he was cute and handsome.

I thought he would get me out from the hell I was born into
- But I was wrong

I thought he would take me to his family, to his house
- But I was wrong

When we both eloped to Bombay, I thought he had bright ideas for the future
- But I was wrong

Yes, I did love him but it was not just love that I wanted.


It is not just love that I was looking for nor any girl looks for, now don't picture me as some selfish arrogant girl, coz it’s not true.

Yes, I was poor and he was rich but that is not my fault, I believe no one these days wants to ruin his or her life in poverty.
Yes, I did love him but it was not just love that I wanted. Therefore, I left him and went with the driver that is not my fault I was helpless, he was lost, completely lost and he had nothing to give me; not even Love. I knew what it means when there is no hope and no money- poverty and suicide, and I was not ready for that.

The driver, he did protect me and he is the person who taught me that it is safer when we are not protected than when it is. That it is the freedom - the real freedom.
It was a great knowledge that I achieved - The knowledge of the securely unsecured.

It changed my life a lot.

The minister for whom he worked liked me and I started realizing the security of the hands that secured the country.
Every minister was ready to protect me. I became rich and powerful. I started to realize that I was one among them.

There were many who listened to me. It became my duty to protect them. I became 'Samaj sevika'. I did what I could and I became more and more rich.
I knew the power of money and I too became a minister.


"Ma'm security is ready"
"Driver, Lets go, Rao what was the name of that Swamiji?"


“Jayendra Saraswathi ma'm, he is a true holy man and he has immense number of followers."

"And that's what I'm looking; for his followers - My Voters.
Ha ha ha."


? - JAX –

That was what I wrote about the teenage infatuation what they called love out of ignorance. So what actually is love? Really I didn’t know. But I never liked the teenager love where they first fell in love and then try to reason it out. Why is it that I think it like that? Don’t I like girls? Yeah I do for sure. But to love a girl just because she is beautiful doesn’t mean anything to me; that I believe is not love. That’s something else, its ‘Kaama’ or sexual desire. Leave the matter of girls whoever it may be, why we like them is because they are beautiful inside. So its what is inside that matters otherwise it will start decaying after a while. So what’s inside is that matters. This is my final conclusion from after the long studies and research done on the laboratory called ‘LIFE’ and the experiment subject was I, myself.

Lifexperiments

So thus I did find how and why people loved and how they talked hours together without even knowing about the time and other worldly factors. How they conveyed even without speaking a word. I found the feeling, it is divine. It can’t be expressed in words, it can’t be conveyed, it has to be experienced. It’s like God, the one knowledge that can only be experienced with true devotion. So thus I found

LOVE is GOD and GOD is LOVE

It happens towards only one person in ones life, if it’s true. Yes, lovers are many, the one you had your first crush, the one you had your teenage infatuation and the one with whom you spent your dreams and fancies. But the true love is not that, you’ll know when its happening.
I knew it. Love happens not all of a sudden, it happens when two minds unite to form a single true bonding. A true friend can always be a true lover. When your ideas seem to be one, or when you both always find of the same opinion or when you go with the other when you are pointed out to be wrong by him/her. Where you can share, be sure of a firm support in all your life, a helping hand, a person who can correct you and show you the right path when you go wrong with love and care.

It can’t be expressed it has to be experienced.

It can also not be forced, it happens all out of itself, it also doesn’t need two persons; it can also be a selfless divine flow of emotions to one side.

And I found my LOVE

Yes, and I found my LOVE, it happened recently. I don’t have words to explain her, she is for me true, divine and she is my Oorja – my power, she is my soul. I started noticing her because of her pure matured thoughts, her outlook on life, she never tried to hide anything she was open minded, straight forward. She knew life. I could see ME in her. She denied me first time; the first time ever in my life I could understand how it felt when you are denied of your love. But that too I could understand, it was of her outlook on facts, the life, the society. This was what I liked the most in her and my love for her just grew stronger even without her knowledge. It was pure it had nothing to do with her beauty; it was her mind that I loved.

She is not the most beautiful person I know, but she has the most beautiful mind.

Then one day she told me that she too loved me, I still don’t know whether she meant it with her whole heart or not.
I don’t know whether she will be mine forever, but that doesn’t matter to me now, as I have learned to live with her. Yes, with her, even when she is not with me physically. I have her soul, her mind, her memories deep inside me with which I can live for centuries together. Thus she will be mine forever. But I’ll wait for her till the end of my life, happily. Even if she wont be mine I will never have the feeling of lost, because she is always with me, inside me, living with me, laughing with me, mocking me. She, for me is a divine feeling.

She is my DIVINE COMEDY

She will be the one and only woman in my life. I don’t want any other woman in my life, as I don’t want someone else life to be in ruins, because I’m sure I wont be able to love them as I’m already in love. I don’t want to cheat them.
She asked me to forget her, she is playing ‘matured’, but I can’t. I asked her not to wait for me, but I will for sure wait for her. I don’t care if she gets married to someone else, also. Because love cannot be forced, it has to happen all of its own.
I still believe from deep within my heart that we can be one, because I believe in Miracles.